Booker Blogs

“Hi Grandma… Remember me? You probably don’t. Last time you saw me, I was about 2 years old. I’ve changed a bit since then. But, still made of the same stuff, just the packaging has expanded a little….”

“Hey Grandpa… You won’t remember me. You left before I was born… but well, I am a child of your son’s loins… and… (*in a whisper*…. I think the fact that you smoked opium back in the day ROCKS!!!!!!!!!! )”

And in true Chinese tradition….

“MAKAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Nevermind that it was the wee hours of the pre-dawn morning… fried prawns, pig’s trotters, red wine chicken, fried mee…. The works…. Laid out in front of their joint tombstone… red candles illuminating their names etched in gold paint against the cool marble… jossticks burning… nice, peaceful… and then… the sunrise snuck up on us… the skies lightened up ever so slowly…. Not allowing anyone to pinpoint the exact moment it happened…. But behind the hill where their graves rest, the most amazing sunrise I have ever seen was being displayed…. Light orange rays tingeing the blue grey skies of the night that was, pastel then bright orange reflected dramatically against the pufflets of clouds. It’s as if someone up there was painting a picture, using colours to delight… I saw snow capped mountains amongst the clouds…. against an orchestra of light painted by the morning rays stretching lazily from the horizon…I can not do it justice with my words…. Trust me….it was simply….beautiful.

Drama 101 –  It Floods on Me

It rained very heavily last week. Parts of Klang got flooded. Including my place.

Only thing is… it didn’t flood in the “normal” way… I mean… you would expect the ground floor to flood first and waters rise up…. Budden hey… where’s the drama in that???!?!?

Sigh…

So it rained… and it decided to flood on me… only BECAUSE it’s adds drama to my life, the flood occurred in my bedroom…. UPSTAIRS!!!!!! (and I don’t even have an attached bathroom!!!!!!).

What happened????!?!

Was busy online (hee hee – nevermind heavy thunderstorm raging outside) and decided to call it a night at about 1.30am…. it was a working day the next day…. So logged off, shut down and went up to my bedroom.

At first everything was normal…

10,000 pillows (on the bed) check!

2,000 soft toys (also on bed) check!

6,000 books, pens, stuff and other paraphernalia (on the bed) check!

17,000 bottles of alcohol (not on the bed this one… gotcha!).. haha … check!

20,000 gallons of water flooding half the room….. WHAT!!!!?!?!?!?

Yeah… STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Balcony was flooded. The stupid drainage pipe, the stupid phallic thing that sticks out and spews water from its perpetually open mouth…. (I blame spending too much time on Eric’s blog for this last sentence… I must repent….. will gargle with dettol later…) was clogged!!!!!!

$*%&#(*%&%*(&*&!!!!

Checked the other room … aiyoh my place also a bit drama… people got connecting bathrooms, my place got connecting balcony…. So ran over to the other room (which is actually my room but it’s so errrr…. errrrr…..let’s just say it’s got a lot of stuff there… that I moved to my sister’s room, which for all intents and purposes (only for this blog entry Cha) shall be referred to as “my room”. Goddit??? Okay… anyways, ran over the other room and YEAYY!! Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy! – it was flooded too.

*(%&$*(^%&*)(*%)*&(*^%$%^&*()(*&^%$%*&%&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(only this time in Hokkien speak!)

So at 1.32am, HEAVY RAIN, thunder and lightning across the sky, (*chariots of fire playing in my head*) …. I run back to my room, searched around for a cap…. Found one under a pile of clothes (my cap Cha, not yours…mien kia!), found a broom from somewhere,  AND SO…..with a cap and a broom to protect me from the elements…. I stepped out to brave the storm!!!!!!!

Like la!

Stepped out onto the balcony…. First thought… DAMN IT’S COLD!

Walked out to the drainage pipe ….Second thought …. DAMN I JUST SHOWERED!!!!

Bent down and started errr poking the reverse end of the broom stick into the stupid drainage pipe to unclog it… Third thought…. MAN IS THIS OBSCENE OR WHAT!!!!?!?!!!!!

(Still bent) seeing that the culprits were dried out rambutans from the recent fruiting season … Fourth thought….. HAIRY LITTLE BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeing the water gushing through the stupid drainage pipe… Fifth thought … NIAGRA FALLS!!!!!!!! *I don’t know where this came from… honestly…*

Noticing that the flooded balcony wasn’t getting any less flooded hence water still happily flowing into both “my” bedrooms….next thought… THEY DON’T PAY ME ENOUGH TO DO THIS!!!!!!!…. Instantly followed by DUMBASS!!!! YOU’RE NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I started “sweeping” water off the balcony. Giving my mum’s car downstairs a badly needed wash… nevermind the heavy rain….thinking…. H-H-H-OLY    S-S-S-S-S-SHIT  I-I-I-I-I-IT’S  D-D-D-D-D-DAMN   K-K-K-K-AU  BB-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-LARDY C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Completely drenched and shivering… I thought FISH IT! The pipe’s unclogged, water’s flowing, I’ve got 1/3 of the flood water swept off the balcony!!! That’s IT!!!!!!!!!!!

And ran back inside.

Anyways, mopped up what I could, got dry and slept. No permanent damage. (*Phew*)

So would I do it again?  HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This speaks for itself…

Thanks Marc … for the nicest sugar coated KICK IN THE BUTT about my laggard blogging habits ever!!!!!!!!! But I am flattered…. J

food poisoning… Me… says:

every morning when I pop into the office, I switch on my computer waiting for windows to load after it does, I open IE 1st thing I do is to go to one of the pages listed under ‘My Favourites’

I named it Joyce’s Blog

every morning I am filled with anticipation thinking,, ‘Hmm… is there something new there? Would Joyce have written a new entry?"

food poisoning… Me… says:

every morning I hope fervently for something new, another insight into my friend’s life.. a slice of info which I may bring up again when we meet the next time something I can bring back home with me and share with Joanne

every morning…

food poisoning… Me… says:

I get disappointed

I think I’m gonna cry…….

DRAMA 101

And that sounds so diva-ish doesn’t it? I think all of us have this little recessive gene called “drama queen” in us..… of course it starts out as “flamboyant foetus” then it grows to “little diva” and then….to “drama queen”… but for some of us…. Yes, some of us, the errr “luckier” ones, the gene is dominant…. And it dominates a huge part of our lives…. And it ain’t always pretty!!!!!!!!!!!

So I’m starting little snippets of drama here… as and when I think of them….

Here’s the earliest one I can remember…

1.         Swallowed mercury as a child

Yeah, you read me right.

Swallowed it. Other kids start testing the strength of their teeth with solid food, I decided to test the strength of mine by munching on thermometers…. Crunch!!!! “Hey my teeth work” followed closely with “Ooooh jelly filling!!!!!” - *gulp*… too late my mum realised what had happened…. She almost fainted…. So they bundled me to the hospital, got me x-rayed…. Doctors were worried that the mercury might burst it’s protective lining and poison my innards…. But there has to be a guardian angel out there looking out for me *dramatically dropping to my knees in thanks*… lining held, mercury didn’t do a hiroshima in me, and apparently I pooped it out a couple of days later, still intact and glowing silver… my mum confessed, she had never stared and prayed at my butt so much before in her life… errr let’s hope she never has to ever again!!!!!!

Poor Mummy.

For those of you who are anal (no pun intended) about these things, feel free to look up “mercury” on wikipedia …. Just call me “quicksilver” from now on Muahahahahahahaha!!!!…. And Eric… shuddup about the retardation and deformities bit….http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercury_%28element%29

It’s 45 mins into my badminton session … and the documents are still not here yet… not only does this mean i am missing good ole’ badminton fun… it also means that i am turning redder by the minute… not from anger… although i’m perfectly entitled to…. but from the lack of air-conditioning…. (no, it didnt breakdown again..) but it automatically shuts off at about 6pm or so…

I’m pissed off, uncomfortably almost feverishly hot, thinking of missed badminton and the really high price in opportunity costs it’s costing me right now and it aint making me happy!!!!!!!!!!

So i have a pout on my face right now… my brows are slightly furrowed… my cheeks are pink (like monkey’s backside) but is ANYONE here to witness it???!?!?!?!?!?

Sigh… sometimes…. i hate my job.

Ok Liz… you asked for it…

Seduction 101 – CNY Special

While everyone else who had slanty eyes and flat chests noses were busy planning to lou sang and count ang pow packets, my dearest most closest friends and I were plotting revenge…

Don’t worry, it’s not some kind of Malaysian remake of Diabolique with 6 stunningly beautiful Malaysian women plotting the murder of a man who scorned them or anything like that….it was plotting revenge of hmmm how shall I put it…a different kind…

Well… this IS the CNY special…

We are Chinese… and any self respecting Chinese will tell you this…. We can not live without 2 things…. Rice, and of course, Gambling i.e. betting about anything and everything!!!!!!!!

Chinese No. 1 : Eh! Going to rain la…

Chinese No. 2 : I bet you it’s not going to rain for another 15 mins… wanna bet or not??

Or

(and this is true…. )

Chinese No. 1 (for fun’s sake, I shall call him… oh I dunno… Bernard) and Chinese No. 2 (also purely for fun’s sake… I shall call him…. Vincent) – very un-chinese names I know… but read on and you will be utterly and completely convinced of their cultural heritage…

Bernard : Eh! PH’s wife gave birth last week la!!!

Vincent : Oh yah la!!!!!!!

Innocent 3^rd party: Boy or girl ah?

Bernard : I dunno la!

Vincent : I also dunno la! I think it’s a boy…

Bernard : Yeah meh? I thought it’s a girl…

[both pause for an instant… looking at each other… and this is amazing…… for after that instant of gazing into each other’s slanty eyes, BOTH reacted identically… in a flash… the following happened with both of them in perfect synchrony:-

-          Without breaking eye contact…eyes narrowed by just the slightest of notches while head turned slightly to the side…

-          immediately followed by a quick jerk of the head upwards with eyebrows arched…

-          then….. they did a Hong Kong flick slow motion turn of the head to face each other… all the while head slightly tilted back….eye brows arched, chin jutted slightly forward while both unseeingly and very fluidly reached for their respective flashy mobile phones…

-          and while holding this pose….

Bernard :  RM50.

Vincent :  ON!

They proceed to call PH….

Vincent (into phone): Oi PH! Gong Xi Fa Chai! Congrats ah.. your new baby!

Bernard (to Vincent): eh Vincent… pass to me! pass to me!

Bernard(into phone):  Eh PH! You bastard! Got baby also never tell us!

                                           Eh.. wanna ask u ah…… eh… boy or girl la….

[pauses to listen……(of course EVERYONE around them held their breath in anticipation….. for being Chinese, and hokkien to boot…. Bernard and Vincent were LOUD!!!!!!(you can’t blame the rest of us for joining in the fun…. So EVERYONE was clued in on this bet…..) hence… everyone focused on Bernard’s face….Vincent at this juncture had raised  up from his seat in a half standing half squatting position, hands on table, leaning towards Bernard to try to listen in on PH’s reply, eyes and mouth wide open… one could ALMOST see his mind saying a quick prayer…. wishing a son upon PH…]

Bernard must be a poker player extraordinaire for his face never flinched…  so there we were, all waiting with bated breath, satay stick frozen midway in its path to our mouths…. All looking at Bernard….and he says…):-

Bernard (into phone) :  Ohhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eh Congrats ah… bye!!!

(everyone at the table, including the super kpc by-standers around us, the uncle shaving ice for the chendol counter 2 feet away AND the lion dance cymbals player collectively screamed “OI!”)

[Vincent by then had toppled his chair over while reaching over to grab the phone from Bernard….. gold watch glistening in the sun and all as this happened…..]

Sigh… yup…. definitely Chinese these two!

Anyways…. Bernard won…[PH (and his wife NK) are proud parents of a lovely baby girl named Erin

..]… that smug look on Bernard’s face (eyes scrunched lips pursed while smiling broadly) could have won him an award… hahaha…. Well down Bernard!

Anyways, I digress… yes, my friends and I are Chinese… and the revenge we plotted was against this King of Gamblers who ALWAYS, without fail… and I know gambling has a lot to do with chance and container loads of luck but this guy…. Wow… words fail me… year after year….he’s so damn GOOD at winning!!!!!!!!!!! OUR MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So plot revenge we did….

Revenge mode of combat : black jack.

Weapon of choice : A….T….K….a.k.a. ang teh kor… [hokkien speak for err…. red undies…]

Da plan ….

We would each wear our respective ATKs (all uniformly the same by the way, all the way from

Hong Kong

(can’t get any more Chinese than that!!!! – thanks CP!)… and lure King of Gamblers to a few rounds of black jack (sigh…. THE CARD GAME!!!!) with us… We will win bucketloads of money and literally… go paint the town red after that!!!!!!!!! SURELY, SURELY the God of Luck and Prosperity will let us win… SURELY the ATKs will harness in some good luck and good fortune and SOMEHOW… SOMEHOW…. channel all of King of Gamblers luck OUR way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAH!

Failing which…. We would FLASH him!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!! THAT… for SURE… will break his cycle of good gambling luck! Muahahahahahaha….Muahhahahahahahhah!!!!!!!!!

It was a good plan!

Results :-

1.         We LOST – except for CP… specially blessed ATK she has that one… cunning little cookie that she is!!!! (kidding CP!)

2.         So did we flash our ATKs??? Well… I did… sigh…(and till today I don’t know why I do these things…..) *shaking head dejectedly…..*

Which brings us nicely to Lesson 3 – How to flash your ATK…

Seduction 101 – CNY Special

Lesson 3 - How to Flash your ATK (Tip : a cross front dress works best for this)

“….turn to the side, head facing your target (in my case the girls), right leg on tip toe in front of left, lean right shoulder forward just slightly across towards the left, slowly, (with eyes focused on your target…), part the cross front of your dress ever so slowly, revealing… (censored… censored… censored…)…”

            

Anyways, back to my 15 seconds of errr… glory….HAIYOH!!!!!!!!

Results :-

What was meant to be just a private little sneak-a-peek at my brand new super chilly red, luck inducing ATK amongst my bestest girl friends…..[done very seductively mind u ] turned out to be quite a public affair!!!!!!!!!

I blame CP… CP!!!! next time…. ESPECIALLY when u live in a mansion like yours…. WARN ME FIRST of windows all around AND would have been nice if u had ALSO warned me also of the group of people taking ciggie breaks behind these windows!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aiyoh!!!!!!

I swear, I turned redder than my ATK that night!!!!!! (and this was WITHOUT that ambrosia commonly known as alcohol!!!)

SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I wonder if Mr Ciggie Break has had any good luck this year????)

So I’m still down in my gambling losses…. Sigh… BUT… the ATK is pretty AND it has lace, and we all had a good laugh… AND at least, at least, I’ve lost it all to my good friends and family… love you all loads!!!!! Gong Xi Gong Xi indeed!!!