Booker Blogs

THEY LIED!!!!! THEY LIED!!!!!!!

Did your parents ever tell you when you were young and innocent, just when your minds were blank and sponge like and so ready for moulding… the biggest lie ever???? What’s the biggest lie ever??? To me…. Its this… “Study hard. You’ll get a good job and be happy.” MAN was that the biggest lie ever or WHAT!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

And, call it stupidity, naivety, filial piety (ha ha ha… didn’t know what this was until about 10 years ago) or WHATEVER, I actually BELIEVED THEM and I actually stuffed my head in those books and studied!!!!!!!!! To think of all those hours of ‘Smurfs’ and “Thundercats” and “Transformers” and “Voltron” and “Adventures of He-Man” and of course, every girl growing up in the early 80-ies favourite-est cartoon ever…. “JEM” that I MISSED!!!! Ha ha ha.. ok… that list came out longer than intended…. Maybe I didn’t study that hard in the early years…. BUT BUT BUT… *back of hand on forehead, head tilted back and slightly to the right….aka ‘dramatic stance’* I sacrificed…. Yes, SACRIFIED my early adult life as a young woman full of life and zest to the books… volumes and volumes of it… and had to practically wage war with the scores and scores of boys and phone calls that came my way… ok… so I dramatised this a little… maybe it was just a dozen books or so and maybe it was only 3 or 4 phone calls… OH ALRIGHT!!!!!!!!! There were 2 phone calls ok!!! 2! But……. *cue ‘dramatic stance’* fend them off I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!

And how appropriate that Pet Shop Boy’s – Opportunities - Let’s Make Lots of Money is playing the background now… cause let’s face it… I am working because I need the pay… month to month, pay cheque to pay cheque… commitments, petrol (*GASP! And the cost is only gonna go upwards from here…*) and everything that it takes to keep me going……so depressing! And am I skipping into the office with joy everyday???? I think you know the answer to that… sigh… hence… THEY LIED!!!!!!!!! THEY LIED!!!!!!!!!

In this day and age, WHO wants a secure job??? (*read dead end, 5 and ½ day week 9am – 5.30pm job*)… everyone’s looking at starting a business of sorts… me? I’m not THAT ambitious… I’m into the business of marrying rich (Eric, are you reading this????) … HAHAHAHA… that’s Life Fantasy # 101… then I’ll quit my job, get all my commitments settled (for he will love me to bits and do this willingly out of love) and I shall spend the rest of my days indulging in champagne, concocting new cocktails so I can serve it to my friends at all those small, tasteful, private parties I’ll be hosting, spas and massages, indulging in my hobbies, wasting a weekday afternoon away, simply because I can… eating foods I can’t pronounce and just surrounding myself in luxury… and oh errr.. yeah loving my man too ;)…

BUT…. It’s called a “Fantasy” for a reason… rich people like that do not exist. If they do, they are beyond my reach, no matter HOW far I try to stretch it…. So, I fall thunderously and very unglamorously back to reality and realise… Hey… life isn’t so bad after all…. After all that studying, I can read, write, count… that’s enough to get me through life. And I do believe that we humans are created tough… tough enough to take so much more that life has to offer than just champagne, caviar, an art collection, spas, massages, good, luxurious food….oh HELL! Who am I kidding!!??!?!?!? 4D shop still open right???

Seduction 101 – Lesson 2

“Sexy Back”

THIS was the lesson of lessons. THIS was why Seduction 101 was started….. THIS was the mooooove people (by this I mean TM…. ) wanted to learn……  of course…. at my friends’ (meaning TM and Soo Nee) insistence, and only for that reason you must understand…. I gave in and tah –dah! Seduction 101 was started. But why start with Lesson 1 then? Well, I had to suss out what this bunch of students were capable of handling… don’t want them shocked out from being seductive for life…. [hmmm I think I lost one in Soo Nee…. But that’s a story for another blog…).

So she had been pestering me for weeks now… and at every given opportunity, in public, in a pub, in a restaurant…. she’d ask me to demonstrate “Sexy Back”, which I always did, (I am an obliging friend… no other reason… hahahaha). So, the fact that she volunteered to be the first student to attempt “Sexy Back” at Lesson 2, firstly, brought tears of joy and pride to my eyes….my heart swelled, and being the ONLY student to pass Lesson 1, (who cares about the margin here)… my hopes were high…. So choked with emotion, I watched from the side as she, the one who wanted so much to master it, attempted “Sexy Back”…. Well……… My tears of pride very quickly turned to tears of sorrow…and the only choking I did was to battle the bile that rose up out of sheer horror….(reflex action I am told….) SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!….for not ONLY did TM fail Lesson 2, she LITERALLY fell flat doing it……. flat on poor Johnson…. my reluctant student and demonstratee….. traumatising him for life… I think Johnson still needs electric shock therapy from the trauma that was TM’s “Sexy Back”.

What happened????? ….Flashback to Sunday evening, apropos

9.34pm

…. in CJ’s place, main hall.

Lesson 2

“Sexy Back”

“Find “target” in a group. Wait till you make eye contact, then keeping eyes locked on “target”, walk purposefully but unhurriedly in an almost glidelike manner towards him, and stop gently 3 feet from him. Holding eye contact, ever so slowly turn your body shoulder downwards (so head stays locked looking at “target”) clockwise till your chin just touches your slightly lifted left shoulder (by which time, you would have successfully achieved a very “Sexy Back” stance)… hold the stance for 2 seconds, then using right hand, slowly brush hair at the back of your head aside to reveal the nape of your neck, give your “target” a slight smile, then and ONLY then, break eye contact.”

DEAD SIMPLE right??!?!?

Did they get it??!?!?!

*Head hitting keyboard repeatedly…. *

HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Results :-

1.  Johnson – Just to get the record straight, Johnson’s part in Lesson 2 was to play the “target” during the demonstrations. He is for the record straight as an arrow (except when he’s pretending to be Bender from Futurama or practicing pick up moves from Clear Shampoo ads on the back page of The Sun newspapers…) and has earned himself a COMPASSIONATE PASS from me for Lesson 2 for the trauma that was TM’s “Sexy Back” … Johnson, this does NOT mean you are spared from looking at me in the eye in order to pass Lesson 1!

2.  Thong Mei aka TM – FAIL… why?… I think I’ll save this for later in this blog… I don’t think I have the strength now…

3.  Soo Nee - FAIL… aishoh….. when asked to demonstrate “Sexy Back”, she got up… that she did…walked 7 paces away from poor Johnson…. AND STAYED THERE!!!!!!!!!! FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Rosie Phoon… FAIL… I know I know… what happened to all those hopes of her finding that vixen underneath all that layers of good? I’ll tell you what happened. PRINGLES happened! Put a tube of Pringles within sight of this girl and nothing else matters… I don’t think she was even paying attention during class… sigh…. Note to self… ban Pringles from the next class…

5.  Yin - FAIL… for non-attendance. It would have been a different story had Lesson 2 gone better, but it didn’t, so tough!

6.  CJ – too busy playing gracious hostess… in the spirit of Christmas, I will happily re-demonstrate “Sexy Back” for her benefit… AND THE REST OF YOU STUDENTS OF MINE BETTER PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok…. Backtrack…. So what DID happen at TM’s attempt at “Sexy Back”???? Did she walk towards her target? Yes… Did she glide? SURE!!!!!!….like an Ah Soh with 3 bags of groceries… Did she glide seductively?!?!? NO!!!!!!!! So she walked towards poor Johnson… and she walked and she walked!!!!!!!….To my relief she didn’t barge in poor Johnson and stopped exactly 1.5 feet from him, so he was there looking rather like Soo Nee with the “frightened rabbit about to dash off” look on his face…. Then…. TM attempted “Sexy Back” AISHOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She turned alright, only she WHIPPED round so quickly I didn’t catch it because I blinked…. And when looked at her after my blink…. She ended up looking like a thai massage gone BAAAAAAD with the neck crick having gone WAY TOO FAR… all the while saying “Eh…. If my neck get stuck like that permanently how ah???” My darling Thong Mei..…. You whip around like that so damn fast at so near a distance from your target, very LIKELY LOR!!!!!!!!!!!!…And it would have been fine had she stopped there… but she carried on, with neck facing back ie HOLDING her version of “Sexy Back” stance… continued to walk towards poor Johnson…. and because she didn’t have the 3 feet she must have thought she had between her and  poor Johnson (her chin all the while touching her left shoulder during all this…..) she walked right into the startled rabbit (at this point, Johnson and Soo Nee could have been twins) and FELL FLAT ON HIM!!!!!

Did anyone help them?!?!?!

No… myself included. Why? 2 reasons….Firstly, most of us were at this stage rolling around on the floor  clutching our overstuffed bellies, tears steaming down our faces, and secondly…. Rosie hadn’t finished her Pringles.

So that was Lesson 2… sigh….. *shaking head dejectedly*… shy only….

Till next time….. bye.

Ok… enough about my ignorance on anything IT related. Let’s talk about things that are a little deeper and philosophical… (aka no factual accuracy needed so the fact that i dont read the papers regularly won’t show…).

Seduction 101.

Ha ha ha… why? I dont know. I have been bestowed the title Super SERlut (Slut) by my (now I’m beginning to wonder..) friends. So in order not to disappoint, I have graciously offered to give free tuition lessons on … what else? SEDUCTION… and it’s the high class seduction series thank you very much.

And this is funny cause those who know me would know that I am all talk and no action, so in reality I pity my poor errr… students. But they’re a darling bunch and I love every one of them… ok… even the reluctant male participant Johnson…

We’ve had 2 lessons, so I’ll keep this blog up to speed, not that i think anyone will read it (no offence to those of you who actually do, thanks, it’s really such a compliment) but more so i’ll remember this and cringe with shame everytime I read it years down the line… (if blogs are temporary creatures that somehow disappoear into the abyss that is the internet, yes, you may roll around in laughter now… go ahead. I can take it).

So lessons began quite informally over instant messaging. My dear and darling students didnt get the benefit of me demonstrating it in person but hey… never underestimate the power of the written word…

SEDUCTION 101 - Lesson 1

"The LOOK"

Find your "target". When the moment (aka "hiaw moment") presents itself, give him a "look". Lock eyes, and whatever you do, do NOT break eye contact. A slight smile is permitted and in doing whatever you’re doing, make all movements smooth, oiled, fluid and slinky.

Results :-

1. Johnson -   FAIL - why? because firstly, he has a problem with looking at people and secondly he can’t hold any form of eye contact except with his toes and thirdly what was meant to be smooth, suave movements for him came out looking like Bender from Futurama with all screws LOOSE!

Sorry man, try again.

2. TM   - Passed by the skin of her teeth - why? because ok.. she nailed the hold eye contact part (for all of 1/35th of a second) but the immediate bursting into cackles of laughter completely failed her out of the smooth, fluid movement bit. With anyone else, it would have been an outright FAIL, but because TM’s laugh is so bloody infectuous, any guy’s heart would melt… this is "seduction-tm style", which I am taking notes on… [just... shhhhh! dont tell her].

3. Soo Nee - sigh… how do I say this… this poor thing should get a refund really… I dont know how any of my classes, even extra tuition, extra late night classes, private one to one classes AND pre-recorded to play over and over again in your free time classes will help… so sorry honey, FAIL - why? well, there was eye contact alright… just that my dear, dear friend, that startled "Lei hai ping kor ah? Kwai seng ah?" (ala Sandra Ng in the world’s best comedy "All Wells Ends Well" - scene where Leslie Cheung forces her into a taxi and the taxi takes off) look is NOT seductive in the very least! Looking like a firghtened rabbit about to dash off is not what seduction is all about… so… sorry friend, you’ll have to repeat Lesson 1.

4.  Rosie Phoon - I have high hopes for this one. I believe beneath the layers and layers of goodness, kindness, compassion, understanding, patience and simple pure good, is a vixen, waiting to be unleashed. Your exam time will be soon my dear friend, and I have confidence you will pass, with flying colours.

5.  Yin - This one actually doesn’t need lessons. I don’t know why she’s participating. But participated she did, hence the need for an exam too… that is if I can take those huge eyes staring dead at me and sluttiness oozing out of every pore of her body… Good thing I’m straight! *Phew!*. Exam time to be confirmed soon.

6.   CJ - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. enough said.

Ok. We’ve had Seduction 101 - Lesson 2 "Sexy Back" already. But that’s for my next blog, another time.

Bye for now.

I think I’m beginning to get it now… why people blog. Finally having somewhere to voice your thoughts instead of bottling it all up, which might be a fast track lane to anxiety, depression and possibly suicide!!! I’ve read through some other blogs and fell to my knees, almost sobbing in relief… I AM NORMAL! My thoughts, anxieties, worries, insecurities, melancholic bouts and hypocracy are NORMAL!

So here I am, on a Saturday night, at home, blogging. Ha ha, I must say this is much MUCH kinder to my thinning wallet and my aching joints. Yes, my aching joints. But I guess it can’t be that bad if I am blogging with the world’s best mojito! Ha ha ha sweet and strong with lots of mint… just as I like it. Why waste a Saturday night… if its too damn expensive to get sloshed out, then I say, get sloshed at home! And take it from me, mixing drinks is the most underated fun thing ever! I love it!… of course, it does work better with some company…

So it’s that simple. Blog when you’re bored, blog when you’re lonely, blog when you’re frustrated, blog when you want to vent. Ok then, this shall be a blog when you’re alone entry.

So I’m single. Am I lonely? I think not. At least I’d LIKE to think not. Or maybe I’m just saying that because deep down inside I know I have to accept the fact that I can’t allow myself to ever feel lonely, especially when I look like I do… sigh… but that’s food for thought for a blog when you’re insecure entry.

Wow… so a blog doesnt even have to have any content! So you dont even need to plan or structure your entry. Just type as you go along. Whatever comes to mind goes. How could this possibly be even remotely interesting to anyone but ME?

Ok so maybe I haven’t really got it.. why people blog. But I’ve just finished my mojito and am already feeling myself turn red from the alcohol. I think I should have another 6 at least. The night is young still…

This is a day to remember. I, Bookerpee, am blogging. For those who know me…. you guys would have fallen off their chairs upon hearing this. HAHAHA…. Eric, please dont die from shock…. and by the way, thanks for teaching me how to save a web address onto my favourites list (didnt know I had one!).

First things first, introductions. (I still don’t know why I’m doing this, why ANYONE would want to read this… but do this I will - and just like with everything I do (or don’t) …I’ll figure some lame ass excuse later).  Ahem….. Name’s Booker, 30, female and single. A daughter, sister, friend, colleague and person. Led a very run of the mill childhood, went to school, didnt break many rules, was and still am lazy and a procastinator….working now (sadly so) and I’ve signed my life away to the banks… several times over.

Man… that’s depressing… ok.. think i’ll hurl myself out the window now…

And now, to be honest, I really, really cant think of anything interesting in my life which warrants me posting it for the world at large to partake in.

So, for now, bye and thanks for stopping by…

Hmmmm… I wonder if Eric’s free to teach me how to make my blog as pretty as his.